I told you a while back that I was going to be training for a half-marathon.
I started my training, and man, it felt good to be active again.
That is, until my back remembered that it hates me.
I mentioned that I have had a couple of back surgeries.
See, I have what is called Degenerative Disc Disease.
When I was playing volleyball in high school and college, I would suffer severe back pain, and saw doctor after doctor, and had countless amounts of treatments and procedures done. I had a surgery when I was 18 that got me no where, and from there I was sent to a doctor at the largest free standing spine clinic in America. He was leading the first FDA research on artificial disc replacement, and performed the first one in the states. Long story short, I was too late to get in on the research trial, and had to wait months for the FDA and our insurance to approve the surgery. A week after my 20th birthday, I had an artificial disc put in at L4-L5. (sidenote-I was the youngest to ever have it done, and the first woman to carry a child after having it done. He told me that I'm in all kinds of medical journals. Kinda cool.)
While the procedure went well, and I healed well, I still suffer severe back pain on a daily basis. I looked at this training as a strengthening program, and a way to prove to myself and everyone in my life that I CAN do this, and that I'm not "disabled", which is how I feel most of the time. I'm constantly being told that my back can't handle that...what about your back...but, Angie, you physically can't do that.. I don't like being told "you can't", and set out to prove everyone, including myself, wrong. I wanted to prove that I am 25 years old and perfectly capeable of these things.
I was wrong. I have been having to turn to my pain medication more than ever, and I do NOT like to put those meds into my body. I don't like the way that they make me feel the day I take them, or the day after I do. I finally realize that I am, in fact, physically incapeable of doing some things. I was a devoted athlete my whole life, and not being able to play with my kids, or run, or reach for things, or lift things, or bend over, well you get the point, is a very hard reality to face. I feel like I'm in a body that is about 50 years ahead of where it should be. I know that sounds dramatic, but I don't know what it is like to NOT have pain. All day, every day. That is my reality, and I'm okay with that.
But, I hold onto my faith that God is my healer. He can heal me. He WILL heal me.
Isaiah 53:4-5 (KJV) “ Surely he hath borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows: yet we did esteem him stricken, smitten of God, and afflicted. But he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed."
I'm putting this training on hold. And when I'm healed and strong enough, I WILL train for, and finish, a half-marathon. Until then, I will remain faithful!